Desires

I am trying to lighten my mood. My head feels trapped within boundaries of orthodox conventions & beliefs that were imbibed in me and that have shaped me. On this constant trail to search, search the reason for my existence, my purpose of it. Search me. When I look within, I find hollowness and with each day it only increases; my reactions appear strange and I, stranger. The questions, ‘who am I?’ and ‘Why am I here?’ simply haunt me!

I peep within to try and explore what I desire lest it helps in finding clues to my very subsistence.

- I am not sad, my life is beautiful, but I am hollow. I desire answers

- Love is beautiful, so pristinely divine. I desire to experience it eternally and wholly

- I desire to build perseverance; yes that’s also my resolution for the year

- I desire to free my mind of its past experiences. I desire to derive more strength to overcome the manipulations of its being and get clarity in its natural sense

- I desire to unmask the real me at all times and control the swaying nature of being a stranger

- I desire to explore the nature, the real earth God created

- I desire to enter into a sacred sanctity with my loved one

There are so many thoughts and desires that are yearning to be splashed on this canvas, but my mind only finds gibberish words trapped in the vacuum of my heart. From here, I am lost…

- Nikita

Profound :-)

It’s been sometime since I wrote for myself and again, my mind goes on its own trip – Kini, you always have to begin like that, don’t you?

Ok ok relax! Today, I promise myself that I am never ever going to begin my blogs with this line, even if I am writing after a gap of zillion years!

Why did I run away from it? Why did I leave my haven where I painted this white canvas with the colors of my thoughts? This time, I do have an answer…

I was in search, search of myself, search of that person that made me the Nikita Merchant. Would I have been a different person if I wasn’t Nikita Merchant but Neha Sharma or Jennifer stone? No, I wouldn’t be. People wouldn’t love me less or hate me more as they do now, then why? Why the attachment?

Ok, this is not about Nikita, it’s about me, that one self, who is with me till the last breadth. Quite a profound conclusion, isn’t it? :-)
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My heart is humming to the tunes of Salade de fruits by Bourvil and dancing joyously like it had never before. It doesn’t matter that I don’t understand a word of this song; music has this unspoken, invisible power that can lighten one’s veins and blend it with one’s heart that pours out nothing but divine love.

- Nikita

Blabbering II

Its been really long since I posted anything here. So many things have happened since I last filled in but when I try to put it all in a nutshell, it seems so stupid.

It’s 5 in the morning and I am done reading a number of articles on history; not forgetting other interesting blogs as well…

But I still feel hollow.

He said:

Kini, why are you flirting with your goals?

Me said:

silence

He said:

What is that one thing you want the most?

Me said:

umm… to taste it all

He said:

Which field and what level?

Me said:

Success for me is not being famous and super rich! You always thought I didn’t have a purpose because I never aspired like others! So just let it be…

Me said:

I have changed…

He said:

How?

Me said:

You know... I have started acting… I have started becoming like you, the one I hated the most!

He said:

Isn’t it ok to act?

Me said:

yeaa…I guess. At least I can slyly laugh at others when they judge me!

He said:

You are stupid! Go and sleep kins!

Me said:

Aah… there goes a judgment again!

Scattered words

I gaze at the sky and wonder
Is it going to rain tonight?
The clouds burst in and thunder
Positively answering my fright

Dreading the ominous lightening
I shut the doors and panes
Hearing the wind darting
My efforts go in vain

I breathe in the air and gulp
The sorrow that it carries
Feeling the scattering pain I sulk
Never could I be merry

From room to room I rush
To avoid the wind and pain
Nowhere the ache I flush
To seek solace in gain

I open my eyes
To find the sun scorching bright
When I look around
The luster gazes at my sight

I step down to sense a touch that is silky
The brook I feel is beautifully rosy
The path ahead is a stunning beauty
I marvel if it’s a paradise

I gaze at the sky and wonder
Am I dead or still alive?
As the earth has never been so naïve

I feel a gush of pain and ecstasy
With myriad feelings in equal density

Oh lord! If this is heaven,
I never want to be alive!

- Nikita

Blabbering…

While I was reading The Alchemist and trying to absorb the language of the universe in relative sense, a strange thought crossed my mind. I started wondering about the most frustrating part of a human’s day, monotony. What if monotony ceased to exist? The sun, since millions and trillions of years has been monotonous in its actions. So have the winds and the moon and the stars and the oceans. Each of His minutest creations has been unswervingly monotonous since its evolution. If it altered even for a fraction of a second, life on this planet would erase like it never existed in the first place.

Why then, only humans are so whinny when it comes to following a routine, a tradition? Aren’t we made from this very sand that unfailingly bows down to the orders of the wind every day? Quite evidently, it’s the most amazingly simple law of nature etched in the formation of all creations.

I stare at the steel vessel lying next to me; it must be centuries old by now but is yet serving its duties like an old compliant servant. It’s following monotony. It’s not even a living specie yet I feel its breathing, as if it were destined to be where it is. It has learnt those lessons of nature that I haven’t or maybe its one of the molecules of the force that has formed the law.

The last few months have been the most excruciating months of my life. Uncannily, it has been the best period at the same time. I have never felt such contradicting emotions simultaneously. The moment I feel joyous, I remember the pain that led me to the joy. The minute I feel the pain, I sense a numb emotion making me feel as if I am building issues out of non issues. I cry when I am the happiest and at my enchantingly magnetic appearance when I feel abysmal. I seek vanity at the fact of gaining control of what I have permanently lost, my feelings.

Sometime back, I broke a pattern, a pattern through which I was leading my life. I did everything that I, who had confined herself in definitions, could never do. In a week, I felt the growth I had not felt in the last twenty years of my being. I felt serene and satisfied in real sense. It is now that I understand; I built monotony in the non rhythmic life that I was beaming in. I created a pattern in the non pattern.

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From what happened today, the demons in me have again erupted to fight the beliefs that I had so staunchly savored. Am I not following the routine? Am I not reading the signs of nature? I remember a line from the book, “It’s not what goes in the mouth that is evil, it’s what comes out of the mouth, that is.” I am fighting my own ego, my own words that don’t let me relish the monotony that I am gradually learning to accept as an unrelenting fact of my life.

Nature has its ways. I am learning…

- Nikita

Happy Independence Day

They say the world was a better place till someone tried to change it.

Today, 15th August, 2007, I celebrate 60 years of Independence of my country along with 100 crore Indians. Like all, I am proud to be a part of the country that has rooted me to its core at the same time allowed me to fly as high as I can.

While I write this blog, I watch this brilliantly crafted movie Gandhi. I feel a gush of blood flowing in my body that relates to the ideology created by one man who simply attacked the sub conscience of a human mind, who won his land back by sheer man power. As I watch the Jalianwala baug massacre, I remember the line from Blood Diamond, “The color of this earth red because it is filled with blood of people who died for it”

To me freedom is synonymous to choice. The choice to say yes or no, to fly as high as I want and the choice to fall down with a thud to learn my lessons, to not be confined by ideas and thoughts and to break the barriers of rules created by humans who restrict my growth. Freedom is a beautiful thought that helps me breathe the air; it’s the best thing I could gain as a human being. I cherish it and love the idea of being free.

To my generation, independence is very subjective. To many, it seems like an exchange of power from the hand of Britishers to well conniving Indians. In the last 60 years, my country has become a nuclear power, emerged itself on the world economy, has seen the days of brain drain and brain gain, is the second largest populous country in the world, etc. To me, it’s the country of variety, diversity and beautiful history. When I step out of Bombay and smell the aura of my land, I realize indeed that is India. Every time I travel, I am simply amazed by the array of cultures this country offers. It is a country of myths, magic, cultures, contrast, color, love, vivacity, poverty, richness, etc.

My home does not have perfect people, but I love them and call it home because only my home has corners that accept me as me.

I am proud to be an Indian.

Happy Independence Day to all!

Nikita

Just for you...

Just for you…


When I met you, I was simply afraid
You calmed my fears and dumped them instead
I loved the feeling of being cared by you
The gamut of emotions invoked were never so true

I felt like a baby in your arms
Never had I felt so calm
Your touch was beautifully soothing
I was far-flung from brooding

I made you hold me so closely
Your protective shroud felt lovely
I looked into your eyes poured with love
I felt as peaceful as a dove

Sitting next to you, I was so blasé
The tunes of shores brought me to solace
My fears swayed with the rhythm of sand
It was then, when I really held your hand

I learnt the sense of dependency
In all my fits of frenzy
Each time I was down
It was you who I looked upon

You tried to be with me
Just that I couldn’t see
I am scared to fall down now
If that’s what it takes to frown

My feelings for you were so true
If only you could see them through
To the world I would be sorted
Or would I be putting a façade?

The notion of end is shuddering
Is it me who is cowering?
What I had with you was beautiful
In my life I had never felt so full

I simply thank you for everything
Without you, I would have relinquished my being
My heart never had a say in blue
But this time I will really miss you…

- Nikita